Sunflower Voices

How badly do men want it? A rape-free woman-positive community I mean! Because some very simple efforts could be enough to change things. It’s not a question of how difficult it is to turn our minds and communities away from sexism and sexist abuses – but simply – do we want to? If we do, we can.

 

Male privilege that hardens into structural sexism is often the main reason that feminist analysts and social scientists give for pervasive misogyny. A form of greed, an addiction to dominance. I agree. But what about all the good men out there, the “not all men” men ? I’d like to offer another and perhaps more important obstacle to be overcome: laziness.

 

Men have to be willing to overcome their flight response, sometimes their fight response, their comfort and all sorts of social barriers to give other men the feedback that sexualized abuses are definitely not OK. To interrupt what is happening in front of them. To see women and children as full human beings worthy of life and autonomy.

 

Black people are more commonly heroic than white people, according to the work of well-known good-and-evil researcher Philip Zimbardo. Who else does Zimbardo conclude is more willing to get in harm’s way to prevent violence: people who have experienced violence themselves. This kind of bravery is also associated with greater education levels.

 

A quick scroll down through 900 Facebook friends asking myself the question: Which of these men here have a known track record of being willing to give up their comfort, their egos, their status to create some real boundaries for other men? How many have been actively, openly been saying “No” to best friend misogynists? Interrupting abusers’ grooming and coercion?  I counted 17 with a known history of bravery and effort in this regard. Surprisingly good but still a tiny minority. Of course there are some whose acts of anti-sexist heroism are happening quietly under the radar – thank you. It’s still a pitiably small group.

 

But contemporary research is telling us that our bravery as an interrupter, and our freedom from implicit biases such as racism and sexism can be increased by some pretty simple efforts. People trained to be more heroic do become more brave than other people. Many studies are piling up now that say: resting the mind in simple meditation reduces implicit bias, and increases compassion and openness to social connection.

 

The Greater Good Foundation in Berkeley California reports successes with overcoming the reptilian brain in all of us that magnifies and reacts to threats, in favor of the higher parts of the brain that experience and focus on “goodness.” Simple exercises that accomplish this include writing about positive occurrences each day, reflecting with gratitude on positives, identifying and emphasizing the “good part” of ourselves each day. So simple, but proven effective, to pull us out of anxiety, depression, indifference.

 

Now imagine if men started training themselves and taking specific steps to counter the misogyny and acceptance of male violence that has been programmed into them. Writing about three experiences of their own or others’ gentleness each day, for example. Contemplating the ways that their life has depended upon and continues to benefit from women, known and unknown. Retraining themselves to see whole people instead of objects, through the increased awareness of mindfulness.

 

Sadly, the label “gentlemen” is associated with class exploitation and subordination. The brothel on Windmill Road here in Dartmouth Nova Scotia used to be a “gentlemen’s club”, with a top hat on its sign. The Dalhousie Dentistry misogynists styled themselves a “Gentlemen’s Club” too.

 

But what if men were training themselves, and empowering each other as true gentle-men? What if they were willing to pluck the shards of glass from their eyes, and see the world and women a different way? See their own potential a different way? I hear a very powerful roar in the distance when contemplating this. In the soles of my feet I feel a vibration in the ground of many many hoofbeats. Teardrops fall thinking of love let loose on this planet.

 

That dam could burst, and it could start with a few simple moments given over by men, to gentleness, each day.