Having a conversation is an expression of our basic humanity, and a way to increase our ties as loving, present and vulnerable people.
Yet, so many fears keep us from having conversations about our experiences of abuse and safety, about our sadness and our dreams for valued lives and a healthy community. Some of these fears are about staying safe: what will be the backlash directed at us when we challenge powerful people or groups? How will we handle it if we find friends and family turning their backs on us when we name our experiences and want to talk about it? This is a personal and very earthy decision for all of us, and there is never any blame on survivors for the decisions made about speaking or not.
Let’s look at our responsibilities to talk together as a community, though. A fear that is often paralyzing on a community level is the idea that open conversation about our vision for a world that values and respects women, youth, and others who are vulnerable to abuse, who are “different,” exposes our community to criticism. We are often raised to feel ashamed of “airing dirty laundry.” We are afraid that by being proactive and open on these issues we will create shame and interfere with the “mission” of our church, college or service organization. But we couldn’t be more wrong, and in fact need to reverse the way we see it: We have to see the possibilities that are right around the corner when we start to communicate as human beings.
We need to find the confidence as communities that we can hold such conversations with each other. The gentleness to listen to survivors without judging or rejecting their voice, will increase our wisdom. The bravery to face ourselves and our organizational cultures will increase our steadiness and power to help others. The intelligence to learn and use existing knowledge about low-rape cultures, violence prevention and survivor support will link us to a wider human world.
In April of 2014, the Halifax Shambhala Centre hosted a panel discussion on abuse, organized by the Community Safety and Support Group. In this beginning of one such community conversation, outside and inside experts together shared important knowledge and experience. Some of what we talked about was process: How do we approach intimidating problems together? How do we stay gentle and clear? How do we find the right questions?
Please enjoy this recording from that day, with host Pam Rubin, panellists Heather Gaskill (a meditator, social worker, and trauma specialist for Capital Health in Halifax), Laurie Ehler (executive director of Bryony House, a transition house for women and children) and Becky Atkinson (author of Safely On Your Way). The discussion was moderated by Melvin McLeod, editor-in-chief of Shambhala Sun and Buddhadharma). (many thanks to Gordon Kidd and John Sell for preparing this audio).
– Pamela Rubin